The Sad Ghost by Gareth Bell-Jones (fanzine contribution)

THE SAD GHOST

A nightmarish tale by Gareth Bell-Jones


It was nearly midnight. Through the revolving mists of the worry the teak boarding of the old manor occasionally became restless. The old maid who had lived there long ago died of corns, but that was by-the-by. She used to like eating tinned hot dogs. With her passing the manor had become increasingly scary until it sucked all happiness and colour out of the happy woods. The now rickety house was still, apart from the incessant creaking made by a ghost walking around. He still had real human feet and so made creaking noises. He walked through the unsound hallway into the decrepit kitchen to make some tea and stood on a rake. The horror rake whooshed before hitting the ground again behind him. "Woooooooo" he said, thinking (but unable to say).

A full moon hung loosely over the roof, draping the mansion with its pungent space light. Yes, there was no colour. It was black and white. A wolverine ran into the kitchen and ate the rake. It was the only object in the room apart from the kettle which had almost come to a boil. "Wooooooo" the ghost said to the wolverine. "A-Weeeeeeeeeee" the wolverine responded to the ghost. The ghost made the wolverine some ghost tea. The ghost poured it into a bowl which appeared - as if from nowhere. The wolverine lapped it up, greedily unaware that it was boiling its own tongue off. When it had fallen off the wolverine couldn't speak any more. Because of this three ghosts came out of its mouth. "Wooooooooooo" they all said. If you can imagine having three speakers that is what it sounded like.

Lightning struck.

An almighty crash and a nearby church tower collapsed. A farmer walked into the creepy manner and was really scared by all the ghosts and ran away. "wooooo" all the ghosts said. The wolverine ran around in circles. The wolverine could not speak anymore because it didn't have a tongue. A pig appeared - from nowhere. And bit the feet of the ghost. "WoOOOOooOOOooooO!" the ghost exclaimed kicking the pig. The universe ran this way and that. Inside that the earth vibrated. It vibrated very fast and this caused dead bodies to exhume themselves. Still dead but above ground. They all got into the kitchen and made it smell of eggs so all the ghosts and the pig went through the hallway into the lounge. The wolverine still walked round in circles and bumped into all the bodies walking higher and higher until it couldn't walk any more because it was pressed against the ceiling. The room really smelt badly of eggs.

It was now one in the morning and they hadn't got much done yet so they ate. They ate the wolverine because it was good for nothing. The soft tring of a harp flushed from the atrium. It was granddad standing up. He was ten foot tall and very characterfull. He would get rid of these ghosts once and for all he decided. Then he looked at himself in a mirror and he had no reflection. Deciding he needed fresh blood he drank from the pig to get going. Vampires keep dark. Finding he couldn't get much from the disembodied feet he went back to his coffin chair, he fell asleep again. The ghosts flew around the atrium trying to catch each others tails leaving one ghost on the floor because it had feet. The ghost cried air. "Ak-Scaloooooo" granddad snored. "Weeeeeeeeee" the ghosts exclaimed. "Pffffft" the sad ghost cried.